Closure is a scam. Even when we think we get it, it rarely gives us what we hoped for. And most of the time? We don’t get it at all…
We’re told that closure is the final chapter that ties everything up. That if we could just have that one last conversation or explanation, we’d feel better. But the truth is, closure often doesn’t come. And when it does, it still might not make sense.
Why We Crave Closure
We wait for it. Hope for it. Replay everything, trying to find it.
But a lot of the time? It never shows up.
They might not explain. You might never understand. Some stories just end, not with a bang, not with a clean break, just... gone.
Why is that so hard to sit with? Because we’re human. We like resolution. Psychologist Arie Kruglanski talks about cognitive closure, basically, how much we hate ambiguity. When something ends without clarity, our brains scramble to make sense of it. We replay it. Obsess. Ruminate (hi, anxiety).
We want things to line up. To know where it went wrong. To believe that if we had just said or done the right thing, maybe the ending could’ve been different.
When Explanations Don’t Actually Help
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: Even if someone does explain why it ended, they might be lying.
Or sugarcoating. Or telling the version of the story they need to believe.
Memory is slippery (Loftus, 1992). People edit their past. Sometimes the version they offer isn’t the one that actually happened; it’s the one that protects their ego.
And even if they’re being honest? Their truth might not match yours. And that can feel even worse.
What We’re Really After
Closure is usually about control. About trying to take the chaos and turn it into something neat and understandable.
But life? Relationships? Other people? They aren’t controllable.
From understanding basic attachment theory (Bowlby, 1980), sudden endings can trigger protest behavior — those desperate feelings of trying to fix it, explain it, rewind it. We don’t just want to understand — we want the power back.
But sometimes healing is saying, "This ended. I don’t get to rewrite it. But I do get to move forward."
Choosing Peace Anyway
You don’t need every answer to feel whole. You need peace.
And that kind of peace doesn’t come from their mouth, it comes from your decision to stop chasing something that may never exist.
Peace is when you stop bargaining. When you stop checking their profile. When you stop trying to win closure like it’s a prize.
You get to say: this story is over. Even if it didn’t end the way I wanted. Even if I’ll never fully understand it.
You Don’t Need Their Permission to Move On
So if you’re still holding your breath for someone to come back and explain, let this be the permission you’ve been waiting for.
You don’t need their final words to move forward. You don’t need to agree on the story. You don’t need to stay in the loop of “what if.”
You don’t need all the answers. You need peace. That’s yours to create.
Holly Batchelder, PhD
References:
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong.
Kruglanski, A.W. (2004). The Psychology of Closed Mindedness.
Loftus, E.F. (1992). "When a lie becomes memory."
Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (2000). “The role of rumination in depressive disorders and mixed anxiety/depression symptoms.”