After more than a decade of studying relationships and sitting with couples through some of the hardest moments of their lives, I've come to believe a few things.
I've watched couples rebuild relationships that once felt impossible to save. I've also watched couples lovingly decide to part ways. Every relationship is different, but certain patterns show up yet again and again.
This is the first in a series of relationship truths I'll stand behind, both because I've seen them in my office and because the research continues to support them.
Truth #1: Your ego is often a bigger threat to your relationship than incompatibility.
When I say "ego," I don't mean confidence or self-esteem. I mean the instinct to protect ourselves at all costs.
It's the voice that says:
"I'm not apologizing first."
"If I admit I was wrong, I lose."
"They should already know what I need."
"Why should I change when they're the problem?"
These reactions are human. We all have them. But when protecting ourselves becomes more important than understanding our partner, emotional distance begins to grow.
One of the most influential findings from Dr. John Gottman's decades of relationship research is the importance of accepting influence. Healthy couples remain open to one another's perspective. They don't have to agree on everything, but they're willing to ask, "Is there something important here that I'm missing?"
That doesn't mean abandoning your values or always giving in. It means caring more about understanding than winning.
I've rarely seen a relationship improve because one person finally proved they were right. I have seen relationships transform when both partners became more curious, more humble, and more willing to own their part.
Conflict itself isn't the enemy. Pride, defensiveness, and the inability to repair are often far more damaging.
The next time you're in an argument, try asking yourself one simple question:
Am I protecting my ego, or am I protecting my relationship?
That question alone can completely change the direction of a conversation.
Holly Batchelder, PhD
Further Reading
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy.
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change.