We’ve been taught to be nice. To be agreeable. To smile through discomfort, swallow the hurt, and avoid being "too much."
Especially as women, especially as mothers, we’re told that anger is dangerous. Unbecoming. Unlovable.
But what if we’ve misunderstood anger entirely?
What if anger isn’t the enemy, but the messenger?
The Truth About Anger
Anger, at its core, is not destructive. It’s clarifying. It arises when our boundaries have been crossed or our values ignored. It points to something sacred: our sense of right and wrong, our desire for fairness, our instinct to protect.
To suppress anger is to disconnect from ourselves. Over time, this disconnect becomes a pattern of self-abandonment. And while silence may seem like peace, the body keeps score.
What the Research Says
Peer-reviewed studies now confirm what many have felt in their bones:
Suppressed anger is associated with increased inflammation, pain, and cardiovascular risk (Kim & Kim, 2021; Moons et al., 2010).
Chronic emotional suppression has been linked to autoimmune disorders and anxiety (Straub, 2014).
Self-silencing, especially in women, is tied to higher rates of illness and depression (Tavakoli & Brody, 2015).
The science is clear: denying our anger doesn’t keep us safe. It makes us sick.
From Suppression to Expression
So what does it look like to turn toward your anger with curiosity instead of shame?
It means honoring the emotion without letting it explode outward or collapse inward. It means learning to listen before it turns to resentment. It means asking: What boundary was crossed? What truth am I not naming?
Here are a few gentle ways to begin:
Move your body: Try shaking, dancing, stomping, or screaming into a pillow. Let your body speak.
Name it on paper: Journal what your anger is saying. Write the unsent letter.
Share it safely: With a therapist, a trusted friend, or even aloud to yourself. Say what hurt.
Use art: Paint, sing, sculpt, or move. Anger is energy, it needs somewhere to go.
The Freedom on the Other Side
When we reclaim our anger, we reclaim our clarity. We begin to understand who we are, what matters, and where our limits lie. We start showing up more honestly in our relationships, our work, and our bodies.
This isn’t about rage. It’s about reverence.
Your anger isn’t what breaks you.
It’s what brings you home.
References
Kim, S., & Kim, J. (2021). A qualitative systematic review on Hwabyeong (anger syndrome) in Korea. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12, 637029. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.637029
Moons, W. G., Eisenberger, N. I., & Taylor, S. E. (2010). Anger and fear responses to stress. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(2), 221–229. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0016961
Tavakoli, A. S., & Brody, L. R. (2015). Self-silencing and anger suppression. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 39(2), 200–212. https://doi.org/10.1177/0361684314566990
Straub, R. H. (2014). Interaction of the endocrine system with inflammation. Arthritis Research & Therapy, 16(1), 203. https://doi.org/10.1186/ar4482